Reward...or Bribe? You be the judge.

I'm trying to teach my stepdaughter the value of doing things without being told.  She texted me the other day at work to ask if I would take her out for Starbucks.  I don't know how other families do it, but at our house, Starbucks is a treat, a reward, something you get on a special occasion and/or for doing something out of the ordinary.  I said she would have to earn it.  Her next text was, "How?".  I thought, "Great! This will be time for a great life lesson."  


This is what I said to her:


For instance, if you know the dogs have been out in the mud, you should take the initiative and say "Hey, you know what would be helpful? If I dragged the big lug into the bathroom and gave him a bath without being yelled at repeatedly to do it."  Or, "Wow, grandma has really done a lot for me today, I should ask her if she needs help with something."


This was the response I got back...


::crickets::


That's right. Nothing. 



At 13, we're all self absorbed.  We only want to listen to the radio stations that WE want to listen to, we can't understand the notion that parents have to go to work and aren't made to shuffle us over to that friend's house RIGHT NOW, and when it comes to food, every meal should be based on our own tastes, and no one elses.  This same concept works when it comes to picking a restaurant to. "What? You want to eat WHERE?! But IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to eat somewhere else!".


It's the natural order of things. Yay for that awkward/tense/shoot me now teenager phase :)


As parents, how do you manage this notion? Well, that's easy you say, it's just about positive reinforcement!


Right. Positive reinforcement. So I'll offer you a reward if you do something I approve of. Got it.


How is that any different from a bribe?


Let's turn to the dictionary shall we?
Reward...a sum of money offered for the detection or capture of a criminal, the recovery of lost or stolen property, etc.; something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc.; to recompense or requite (a person or animal) for service,merit, achievement, etc.; to make return for or requite (service, merit, etc.);recompense.


Bribe...money or any other valuable consideration given or promised with a view to corrupting the behavior of a person,especially in that person's performance as an athlete, publicofficial, etc.; anything given or serving to persuade or induce; to give or promise a bribe to; to influence or corrupt by a bribe.


Well, I promised her Starbucks so that she would do something that I wanted her to do, so I am compensating her for her "service, merit [or] achievement"...but I'm also attempting to persuade her that behaving a certain way is appropriate.


So what have I really done?

I don't know why I've started this blog, but here goes.

I'm in a loving, committed, monogamous relationship with a wonderful man.  Awe, how sweet, I know.

But this blog isn't about my relationship with him, it's about the relationship I have with his 13 year old daughter.  That's right, I'm "the almost mom".  Every day I walk the line between "mom" and "friend".

Some days are easier than others.  Some days make me want to get in the car and drive until...well, most likely until I run out of gas, which will inevitably be in the middle of nowhere with no gas station for miles.  But I'm sure the cardio from my walk back to civilization is good for me.

Getting back on topic.  I wanted a place to write about what it's like in this funny little gray area that is my life.  I know there are other women out there in the same boat, so maybe in their internet scrolling they'll come across here and we can swap advice, ideas, or just rant about some of the more trying aspects of our lives.  Who knows, we're women, and lord knows women are good at chatting.

I think I'll end this post now.  We'll see what happens.